Am I toxic? Are you toxic? Let’s overthink together, shall we.
A couple months ago I met someone. It was nice. Not sparks-inducing and pulse-racing, but he seemed interesting (that is, until he said he doesn’t believe in free healthcare but let’s not talk about that now). We talked, hung out, spent some good time together but I knew that it was never going to turn into anything. I mean yes, he was sweet and we had some similar interests but you know that feeling when you have so much in common with someone but still you can’t connect with them. It was that feeling. There was zero connection. But he definitely seemed like he was into me. For instance, he’d never leave me on read, he’d reply to my stories, and he’d call me beautiful (although in a cheesy way which made the compliment unbelievable). Things just stayed in the hook-up zone and I wasn’t in the mood for anything casual so I decided to just stop texting him (very gen Z thing to do).
But then I took a step back to really think about what I just did. I ghosted him. Me. A person who hated people who stopped talking without giving an explanation. But then I took a bigger step back. Am I starting to behave like all the people who have broken my heart? Of the three guys I’ve been involved with, the first two stopped talking to me and one of them blocked me on all social media (because we were parting ways and I wanted to be friends whereas he said “if I saw you with another guy on Instagram, it would make me feel bad.”). The third guy, who is one of the first boys I had truly liked, would stop texting me for extended periods of time after we’d have a fight. Not even a relationship fight (because we weren’t in one), just a friendship fight. All of these traits in all these men seemed like toxic traits to me at that time. I mean that’s how it’s defined, right? Someone who spends time with you for their jolly and leaves you when they’re bored. Right?
When texting the boy I was about to ghost, I noticed that I was doing the same thing that all of my previous heart-breakers had done to me. Well, the equation wasn’t exactly the same. The boy I was about to ghost was only in it for occasional sexting and flirting. There were not many feelings involved on his part from what I could tell. Wasn’t the same for me. I couldn’t stop imagining our future together even though, in my sane mind, I knew we did not have a future, or even a present for that matter. I mean I was straight up just feeling lonely so I was imagining this boy to be a person that he was not. Hence, I was disappointed in him for not living up to the expectations I had in my overthinkin’ head. So I had to put a stop to all of this. And I did that by ghosting him.
You might sympathize with my decision to ghost him, or you might not. I thought I made the right decision and I still think I did. But what about the boys who ghosted me and earned the title of “toxic”? Were they really toxic, or was I just expecting the wrong things from the wrong person? Most probably the latter. We all have different definitions of toxic. Blocking on social media after sex is toxic to me but it might not be to you. But it’s safe to say that I exhibit toxic traits too. And maybe you do too. So, what should we do about this?
Well, a good place to start would be admitting that none of us are perfect and a lot of us are scarred by our previous relationships. Of course, there is a broad range of toxic behaviors and there are people who resort to violent actions which cannot always be justifiable. That said, we tend to mimic the behavior that we’ve experienced in our lives, don’t we? For instance, if a boy I liked and kinda sorta hooked up with does not want to go on a romantic walk with me because he doesn’t want us to seem like a “couple” (totally happened. not making this up.), it’s gonna make me think that it’s unacceptable to ask my significant other for physical affection. From then on, I became uncomfortable with cutesy physical intimacy like holding hands, cuddling, etc., because it always seemed like my date was doing it out of pity. And whenever my date would want to initiate affection, I’d turn to humor and make fun of the situation even though I genuinely want to hold his hands while watching a movie.
Oh, how we all wish it wasn’t this way. What if we could just delete our memories of heart breaks and start fresh with our hopes for love high and soaring like that of a seventh graders’. Alas, no. I know what you are thinking. Yes, we are toxic in little or sometimes big ways and yes, we tend to inflict pain on our loved ones because of those toxicites but where is the silver lining in all this? Hmm…I’m not sure. I think ultimately, it’s best to think that the ones who were toxic to you are also changing and learning to be better people. Same for you and for me. We are all trying to be better people even though it might not be obvious all the time. So, I am going to say this to myself and say this to you: be kind to yourself and others. We’re all healing. Slowly but steadily.
